REVIEW: What If? #19: What if Spider-Man Had Never Become A Crime fighter?

Writer: Peter Gillis
Artist: Pat Broderick
Inker: Mike Esposito
Review: Cody "Madman" Miller

I absolutely can’t help myself. If I come within 100 yards of an issue of What If?, I can sense a disturbance in The Force, and a few moments later I'm makin' it rain Washingtons all up in the Dollar Boxes' business. If I find some Spider-Man What Ifs that’s when I bust out the trench coat and the Matrix moves . . . Practically a reflex.

You have to admit this issue’s question is relevant, interesting, and, if you really think about the answer, a multifaceted minefield of potential. Now, I’m not kidding myself in regards to how this book will end. Let’s be honest: these fantastic bastard one-offs usually have pretty lame, corny, predictable endings, but not always.

The issue starts with the Watcher narrating the familiar origin of our favorite neighborhood wall-crawler from the fateful spider bite to the point Peter lets his Uncle Ben's killer get away. The Watcher opens a window to a different reality and instead of letting the thug go Peter stops him, not out of heroism but for publicity. Jerk.
The press picks up the story of the Spider-Man, and Peter becomes an over night sensation and lands some Hollywood contracts. Spider-Man even gets the honor of taking over hosting the Tonight Show . . . for Johnny Carson. When Peter spills the truth about his secret identity (by jumping onto the living room ceiling), Uncle Ben freaks out, but not about Peter being the Web head, because Peter is choosing Hollywood’s glitz and glam over the scientist's lab coat and Bunsen burner. The big headed superstar storms out, leaves his old life behind, and moves to Hollywood to star in his first major motion picture. Always the over achiever, Parker branches out and starts up his own production company, Spider-Man Productions, which goes on to sign The Fantastic Four, The Avengers, and the mysterious X-Men to exclusive deals. Shortly thereafter (next panel), Parker buys his very own comic book company, where he immediately (same panel) insists they create two monthly comics called The Amazing Spider-Man and The Spectacular Spider-Man. Shortly after this (next panel) a new yellow and red clad superhero makes his first appearance on the streets.

Turn the page and angels sing as you look at the glorious two page spread of Kenner’s Star Wars toys.

DD signs on with Spider-Man Productions as well. As Daredevil (being Daredevil) hangs around with Parker more, he begins to notice people getting irritated by the web slingers antics. Six months later the word on the street is that there’s a hit out for Spider-Man. The first attempt to collect is by none other than Kraven the Hunter, but of course, DD saves the day. We then get the pleasure of seeing the remaining Sinister Six beat the crap out of DD and, of course, Spider-Man saves the day and also learns the identity of the person who put out the hit on him (enter drum roll here) is none other then that rat bastard JJJ himself. In the end even this Peter Parker realizes that with great power comes great responsibility . . . such as hoarding What If? comics.

Great comic in my opinion . . . which is good because I probably own 8 copies.